“The first test of a truly great man is his humility. By humility I don’t mean doubt of his powers or hesitation in speaking his opinion, but merely an understanding of the relationship of what he can say and what he can do.“–6ix9ine, Rap music star and philosopher king.
Yes, a truly great man. Our president, Donald Jefferson Trump, is a great man. One can gauge how phenomenally great a man is by amount of media coverage he receives. Every time I turn on my television I hear the voices. It’s a nonstop barrage of “Trump this, and Trump that. How great is this Trump fellow? Holy fucking shit, I can’t stop talking about how great Trump is!” the talking heads on the screen exclaim in unison. It’s an exciting time to be alive! Never before in the entire 2,018 years of the history of The United States of America has this nation been so blessed by God with such an amazing leader. Every morning, when I take my dog outside for his morning shit, I just can’t help but to look up at the sky and suddenly break out in a fit of hysterical, yet joyful, crying. I weep in happiness for the excellent future that is ahead for our nation and lives.
As Scruffy pinches out his final morning turdlet each day and its aroma wafts past my nose, the stench of his little brown loaves snap me back to reality. Perhaps I love Donald Jimmy Trump a little too much. Maybe I should step back from the precipice of my undying affection so that I may stare into the abyss of his glory with a little objectivity. And maybe, just maybe, some of that glorious abyss will stare back into me.
I do love Donald Jackson Trump, even more than my own miserable existence. But, I also pride myself in always getting the facts correct. I always dig deep into the lives of those I love the most. Just ask my grandmother, I uncovered so much dirt on her that she won’t even speak to me any more. She can deny it all she wants, but I have fucking photographic evidence that you were infamous Nazi Doctor Dolph Lundgren’s “personal secretary” (If ya know what I mean). You’re a fucking Fascist whore Grandma and no amount of pleading with me to take my medication with ever convince me otherwise. And don’t even get me started about your mind reading capabilities, you bitch.
That being said, I have done some digging into Mr. Trump’s background and what I have found has chilled me to my very core. Without further ado, I present to you:
5 Terrifying Facts About Donald Trump
- Donald Trump is a serial sexual arsonist.
That’s right, Donald James Trump is a sexual arsonist. “What is a sexual arsonist?…” you may ask. Well, a sexual arsonist is a person that derives sexual pleasure from setting fire to small businesses. Through my extensive research, I’ve learned that throughout Donald’s real estate career, he would occasionally creep out into the night to burn down the lively hoods of many immigrant family’s various bodegas and dry cleaning businesses. As he watched his handy work he would drop trough and furiously masturbate while the flames tore violently through the structures.
- Donald Trump consumes his prey with his eye sockets
They say that eyes are the windows to the soul. Well, in Donald Jimbob Trump’s case, he has no soul. Nor, does he have eyes. Donny’s eye sockets are filled with prosthetic eyes to give him the appearance of being human. Behind these plastic lies are hidden small, demonic mouths that he uses to drink the blood of illegal immigrants from Honduras. Why the blood of Hondurans? According to my sources, only Honduran blood contains the particular life force that can sustain him.
- Donald Trump’s ass is not large. It is two small conjoined asses attached to either side of his “normal” ass.
Much has been made of the fact that Donald Joseph Trump has a large ass. Some have even went so far as to claim he is nothing but an ass. But these speculations are nothing but ad hominem attacks by filthy liberal degenerates with an ax to grind. The truth of the matter is that all the rump on trump is, in fact, a fractal of asses. It is an ass that has asses where the the ass cheeks normally are on regular asses. Not only that, but there is growing concern among some ivy league physicists that there may be even more asses on the smaller, additional asses. (where the ass cheeks normally are, of course.)
- Donald Trump lurks around in the women’s clothing section at Walmart a little too long if you ask me.
Look, I don’t know why he does it. He just slowly meanders around in the women’s clothing section. He doesn’t even appear to be looking at anything in particular and he is always there alone. He seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in the underwear isle. It’s fucking weird. All I know is that I would not invite a person like that to my house where my 26 young children live. You never know what a guy like that is capable of, ya know? It gives me the heeby jeebies just thinking about it for hours on end. All the sick scenarios I could place him in… No sir, I will never allow him near my children. Not after what I’ve imagined him doing… (in great detail).
- Donald Trump’s true form is an unholy apparition sent straight from hell to terrorize me in my dreams.
This is the most nefarious fact about Donald Jeeves Trump of all. He is not a man of flesh and blood. He is the collective evil that lurks deep into the hearts of every man’s soul. Those evil energies have combined and become personified, thanks to the guiding hands of Satan himself. The dark lord of Hades himself has conjured this blight and has sent him to this humanly realm in order to haunt my very dreams.I have been unable to get a decent nights rest since Donald Jayquan Trump has taken his place on the throne.Throughout my slumber he stalks me. Menacing me with his sharp, fiery talons. Threatening to take me to the flaming pits of misery from whence he came. I flee. Yet, no matter how far I go into the dimensions of my unconscious nightmare, he is always present. As the terror of it all becomes paralysing and I can run no more, his evil presence begins to consume me. I awake… screaming these dreadful words: “Grab ’em by the pussy!”